Building self-esteem is a holistic, inner process that requires self-awareness and self-acceptance rather than simply seeking external validation or changing external circumstances. Here are seven ways to begin building healthy self esteem:
- Cultivate Inner Self-Awareness and Acceptance
Healthy self-esteem arises from truly knowing yourself and feeling comfortable in your own skin, with both your strengths and weaknesses. Begin by embarking on a mission to get to know yourself, focusing on learning rather than judging your qualities and flaws. Approve of yourself as you are at this point in life, because “no one else will truly accept you until you do” (Tuhovsky). Self-acceptance means recognizing and appreciating who you really are, even if the self-image you discover isn’t as beautiful as you’d like. If you accept yourself today, you can better start to do the work towards growth and positive change. - Don’t Tie Your Worth to Others’ Opinions or Achievements
Making your value dependent on other people’s acceptance or on external successes puts your self-esteem at risk and reinforces fears of criticism and failure. Instead, focus on developing an inner sense of worth that external factors cannot destabilize. You can do this by setting healthy boundaries for yourself, and this means taking responsibility for your personal growth and set backs. If you’re currently blaming someone else for the way you see yourself it’s a good sign that you need better personal boundaries and the assertiveness to communicate them responsibly. - Practice Self-Compassion
Self-compassion can significantly reduce anxiety around self-criticism, help you acknowledge your strengths and accept your shortcomings, and ease anger or disappointment with yourself. When you catch yourself engaging in negative self-talk, practice interrupting it and replacing it with a more compassionate or constructive thought. Replacing the thought “I’ll never get an opportunity like this again” with “I’m trusting the process” is an example of reframing and changing yourself talk, thus showing yourself more compassion and providing opportunities for growth. - Build Self-Esteem Through Action
While mental affirmations alone may not be effective, especially if you have low self-esteem and don’t believe them, building self-esteem is possible through taking action. Each time you challenge yourself, complete a task, or push past your comfort zone, you gain confidence and a surge of positive energy. Confidence grows as a skill by “doing,” which reinforces a positive self-image. Pursuing meaningful, challenging goals also leads to higher self-esteem. - Adopt the Pillars of Self-Esteem
Working on core capacities such as self-awareness, self-acceptance, assertiveness, proactiveness, responsibility, and cohesion can help establish a robust sense of self-worth. But self improvement has to be a meaningful endeavor for you. - Let Go of the Need for External Recognition
Those with truly strong self-esteem do not need approval or praise to feel their worth. According to psychologist Nathaniel Branden, your self-esteem is, at its core, the reputation you have with yourself. Therefore, pay attention to how you treat yourself and act in ways that respect your intrinsic value. Acting in ways that makes you popular but leaves you feeling shame, guilt and disappointed in yourself may gain you friends while destroying the reputation you have with yourself… an ineffective trade off. - Take Care of Your Body and Mind
Activities that boost certain neurotransmitters (like serotonin), such as regular exercise, can improve mood, impulse control, and self-esteem. Also, be mindful of underlying issues that may affect self-esteem, such as chronic stress or psychological distress. Exercise and healthy foods not only helps you feel good but helps develop a self concept and habit marked by self discipline.
There isn’t one simple fix for low self esteem, instead self esteem grows from the inside out through self-awareness, acceptance, meaningful action, and compassionate self-talk, rather than changing how others see you or waiting for external confirmation. If this seems too difficult to do on your own, or you would like support as you work on building your self-esteem contact us at Enrich Connect Counselling, let’s talk about how we can help.
Sources
Tuhovsky, I. Confidence.
Tracy, B. (2007). Eat That Frog
Young, V. (2011). The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women.
McKay, M. (with Davis & Fanning). (2016). The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook.
Cooper, B. Emotional Intelligence Mastery Bible.
Robbins, M. The five-second rule.
Juchenko, J. Coffee Shop conversations.
